"A little voice inside my head said, 'Don't look back, you can never look back.'"

Sometimes you gotta listen to the little voices. I'm learning to let things go. To not look back. It's important, some people think, to look back and constantly evaluate and play the "What if..." game. What if I had said yes? Then I'd be married and maybe have a child or two or I'd be divorced or I could have been the victim of abuse or I could have grown old with a man I dearly love or any other number of possibilities.

Some people's what if's are a lot scarier. What if I had never been abused or exposed to abuse? Would I be normal? What could have I accomplished? I ask myself this what if a lot. I was hesitant to write this blog but I couldn't move any further until I wrote this one. It might be a little more exposure than what I really want but quite frankly....I'm 43-years old and I just don't give a fuck what any one thinks. So here it goes.

I grew up in a very negative environment. To this day I am still connected to this environment through necessity and obligation. And that sucks. However, I need to just pull myself up every day and meet these obligations eye to eye and toe to toe. And I find that I can't do that while looking back all the time and wondering what if. It's impossible to re-write history and let's face it, my history made me the charming little buttercup you know today. It's also impossible to grow if you never leave the past where it belongs.

This was a little tough to write. It's not as tough as I thought...a little cathartic. I was hoping as much.

Well, I suppose this little part of my blog gives you some insight as to why I call Corpus Christi The Vortex of Hell.